It is morning, still dark…
Here I sit, typing, sleepless in the silence while the rest of the family slumbers under warm blankets, sweet dreams and peace.
There is no great woe that has taken me from slumber…no…the opposite. My heart is full, a prayer answered in an amazing way and an interesting journey ahead.
It has been hard to put into words yet another day of fear.
Bright and early, the phone rang…my doctor.
How does the mother of many small ones explain how her heart clinched when she heard these words on Wednesday morning? Ominous words…CT scan reviewed again…early lymphoma…immediate consultation with surgeon necessary.
What? CT scan reviewed? Why on earth? Everything was fine. Blood work: negative. Chest xray: negative. CT scan: negative. The odd swellings remained, the altered facial appearance, but confidence soared and life goes on despite fatigue and other sufferings.
Life goes on…
And then this. A 24 hour wait for a surgeon’s consult. Thoughts of cancer, chemo and radiation. Scars and hospitals. My husband. My children. Feelings of helplessness. I must be a lamb…I must be a lamb…I must be a lamb…God is asking me to be a lamb, to allow Him to shepherd me, to lead me out of those dark paths, the mind trip that fear inspires. Trust. Be still. Know that I am God…I’ll take care of you. You are my lamb…
I couldn’t write my fears. Couldn’t. A quick prayer request posted on my facebook account. That’s it. I couldn’t talk to friends…I felt such horrible doubt. Why? Why now? I don’t want to do this! Not now…please Lord…not now. please…
Oh…it was a dark day and night. Clouds, rain and wind mirroring the tempest of emotions. And then the appointment.
With an angel…
Have you ever thought how important it is that your doctor be a Christian? This precious surgeon…this Godly man, drawing illustrations, careful to put a cartoon smile upon his caricature of me (no doubt noting the fear and confusion on my face), explaining how marvelously and miraculously God had made me…had made all of us. How the lymphatic system works. Why mine isn’t working so well due to a long-standing, deep-seated infection in a pair of extremely enlarged, and increasingly enlarging tonsils. And that he absolutely, positively did NOT see a cancer profile in the swelling of all these lymph glands. Willing to stake his reputation on it…
Tonsils.
Yes..tonsils! For decades they’ve plagued me with continued sore throats, many trips to the emergency room and even surgery for a peritonsilar abscess. Many, many times I was admonished to have them removed. But I was pregnant. Or nursing. Or nursing. Or pregnant. Or sick. Sick. Sick…
Always sick. From the time I was a child…
And it seems, that now, perhaps after years of suffering, and the past six months of odd symptoms, constant sickness and increasing swelling, shortness of breath and a host of other issues that it may just be as simple as taking out a pair of tonsils.
And it really needs to be done soon. So I have a referral to an ENT surgeon on December 16th and will be scheduled for surgery either before or right after Christmas. It won’t be easy. I’m not exactly five years old and tonsilectomy for an adult is no walk in the park. But, hey…it’s not cancer! And this just may be the answer to the prayers for healing that my children, husband and I have been praying for.
Oh, yes…did I mention that this surgeon had the same experience in his 30′s?! That’s how he made the diagnosis. Looking at my detailed medical history, interviewing me and my husband in depth…he said it was a perfect mirror of his own experience.
“Well, Doctor…I absolutely believe in Divine Providence. God sent me to you. May God bless you!”
The warmest, most genuine smile…”Why thank you…thank you so much! I believe in Divine Providence, too. I pray this is the answer. I feel very confident that you will be well…that this surgery will improve your health tremendously. I’m giving you a referral to my Doctor. God bless you…”
“God bless you.”
Oh, yes…He has! And in oh, so many ways!
So…an interesting journey ahead, a necessary period of silence (of the vocal sort!) once the surgery is accomplished, ten days of real suffering and about a month of recovery all to move towards improved health.
Who’d have thought someone could be this happy over the prospect of surgery?
Blessings,
I am a traditional Catholic homeschooling mother of 9 children, married for 30 years to the most patient and sainted man. As converts to Catholicism in 1991, our family has only recently discovered the beauty and full expression of our beliefs in the timeless liturgy of antiquity, the Extraordinary Form also commonly referred to as the Traditional Latin Mass. An avid knitter, I also enjoy gardening, reading and immersing myself in the everyday graces of my vocation.
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Someone is going to get ALL the ice cream she wants!
Which may not be that much…
Kimberly, I am so happy for you. How awesome that God gave you a Christian doctor who soothed your fears and clearly answered your questions. God is so good! You’ll be in my prayers for the rest of the month and after surgery. Hugs, hugs, hugs, dear one!
Okay. Just noticed that WordPress grabbed my gravatar. Ha! I joined a WP group this week and totally forgot that I had set up a gravatar. Too funny!
Kimberly,
You and I have never met, but I could feel my eyes on the brink of tears and my throat tighten as I read to the end of your post. I share your joy! Thank God, thank Him even in darkness, but with incomparable joy in such light!
May your Advent and Christmas be illuminated by the great joy He has given you! We are blessed with a wonderful Father…
God be with you Kimberly, we share your relief at the diagnosis and your joy at meeting an ‘angel’ (in the most unlikely place) with the good news. We’ll pray you through the ‘ten days of real suffering’ and I know you have other angels in your life who will physically help you through it!
And it will all be worth it! Praise Him who is in charge of every facet of our lives!
i had a knot in my throat at the beginning of this post. and a pit in my stomach at the words cancer and such.
i read all the way to the end…and the knot is not gone because God’s goodness has a way of doing that to me as well…so glad it’s nothing major. you are such a faithful dear. will pray all goes well and that you’ll be on the mend in no time.
hope you continue to experience HIS peace this advent. and always.
xo.
Kimberly,
I’m so thankful for your diagnosis! May God speed your healing.
God put that doctor right there in that office and then put you right there in that office with that doctor. and all will be well. You are His Lamb. and He is shepherding you. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I am so happy that it is something that is easily fixed. You will suffer, I am sure but it will be temporary and then you will be healthy.
It is so wonderful to get such good news about you. I am delighted and will pray for a quick recovery from your surgery.
May I recommend Ben and Jerry’s Fudge Brownie?
I echo all the sentiments of the above people. It will be hard for those 10 days post-op but you will be amazed at the amout of energy you’ll regain. Once all that infection is gone, your body will not be fighting you all the time. It should be all smooth sailing, afterwards. The whole family is relieved with the dignosis and we’ll be continuing our prayers.